Absent Father: Advice For The Single Mom Without Dad
84So, here I am, with my two beautiful, kind-hearted, wonderful girls and no father for them.
Once upon a time I was in love. I dreamt of a family with Mom and Dad snuggling on the couch as the children sit closely by while watching a movie together. I dreamt of the family outings and dinner at the table, all of us laughing while we ate, happy to be together.
That dream fell away as he walked out the door and out of our lives.
I don't put the blame entirely on him for the fail of our relationship, but I do blame him for deserting his children and I blame him for them not having a family of a Mom and a Dad.
Heres What You Do Dads
How Can You Just Walk Away?
I want to know what gives men the gull to walk away from their children and not think twice!
I want to know how they can watch them be born, even cry at the birth and yet leave. No regrets- no remorse.
They go on with their lives as if they have done nothing wrong, never wondering how their actions have affected their young.
Well, I'm here to say- You have!
You have left your children wondering what they did wrong for you not to 'want them.'
You have your children crying because they feel abandoned and sad.
You have them questioning themselves about who they are and if they are good enough!
If anyone can explain how men can do this, then please let me know, because not only I am wondering but millions of children around the World want to know as well. I am sickened not knowing the answer and afraid to know the truth.
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Mothers in this situation, I hear your pleas.
Just like you, I have wiped the tears, hugged and comforted my girls, only to find that the feelings within them remain.
There is no erasing the loss of their dad. And really that is what it is. It's comparable to an unexpected death. There is no reason to it, he is just gone.
I have been both Mom and Dad to my girls. I play sports with them, I go to Daddy/ Daughter Day at school, I do the yard work and other stereo-typical chores around the house.
I do this so they know that, first, you don't need a man, but secondly, to give them the support and love needed to somehow make up for the loss. I want them to know that just because Dad isn't around, doesn't mean we cannot do Dad activities. I want and need them to know that I have enough love inside me of both a Mom and a Dad to offer them.
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Fathers Day
My oldest daughter celebrates Fathers Day. She makes me a card and tells me what a great Dad I am. She tells me that I am better than any Dad she could ever have. I am truley blessed.
My advice for mothers who are raising children without a father is this:
- Talk to your child about his or her concerns, fears, or frustrations. You will never know how your child really feels unless you talk about it. Just be sure to Listen.
- Do not put-down your child's father. As easy as it may be, your child still holds feelings for the idea of or the memory of a dad. Don't lessen her/his feelings.
- Have your child spend extra time with a male role-model. This does not mean your new boyfriend. This is a Grandfather or Uncle, or even a mentor from a church or group such as Big Brother/Big Sisters.
Statistics claim that parenting alone can puts your child at high risk for drug use, early sexuality, assaults, depression and suicide attempts. I could go on and on, but the ultimate thing I want moms to know is that these are just statistics. This is not your family....This is not you!
You are in charge of your destiny. You have the power to make your family consist of well-educated, self-confident and happy people. Don't allow HIM the power to do your family more wrong.
Are You A Fatherless Child?
See results without votingIs this purely a man-bashing article? No, although it easily could be.
I realize that men may feel like the outsider after a divorce, or unconnected to their children. But by all means, don't just walk away! That is where I am confused about. Walking away and never connecting again, as if that child never existed in the first place.
Many men, my child's father included, used the excuse that we lived too far away. Too far away for a phone call? An email? Excuses once again. He doesn't talk with them to punish me. He still has so much hatred for me that he cannot see past it to see what he has done to his kids. Whatever your excuse...It's time to grow up boys...You made these children-Step up and be the Father you were intended to be.
Moms, stay strong and care for your babies and yourself.
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Its kind of biased and sad to say sexist to put 100% of all responsibility on men.
I believe in most single-parent cases its the mother that walks out with the children... And I see no mention of mother-responsibility in the article... Maybe she makes the man feel unwelcomed, that's what most single fathers say. No matter when or how they try to reconnect, its always deemed "the wrong way", by the mother, so they just give up trying.
Its just like with dating. Most guys who become eternal bachelors do so, because they're tired of being told they did something the wrong way. They approached/asked-out/proposed/dressed the wrong way. They try everything, and everything is the wrong way. But if they stop trying, they're called wusses who won't man up and start pursuing again.
Its a male trait to rather give up, than bash your head against the wall, and a lot of men feel that way with women, so eventually give up. So its the same with children.
Most guys who give up on being a father, do so, because they're tired of always being told they're doing the "father thing" wrong. So they'd rather give up altogether.
Trimar- thank you for the comment and keep doing what your doing...
Cory- I'm not blaming the man, I am questioning how they can walk away from their child. I find your reasoning to be very lame. If it is a mans 'trait' to give up than they are more cowardly than I originally thought.
This is THEIR CHILD! Not a job where it's too frustrating and you walk away.No matter what, you stay by them and love them. These are human beings!
I could NEVER give up being a part of my babies life, bad other parent or not.
As for most single moms being women walking out with the kids? Yes, they do and I'm sure there are reasons for doing so. Thanks for the comment.
Cory - I don't care if my wife told me every day for the rest of my life that I was a horrible father, there is no way I could walk out on my sons. I would rather "bash my head against a wall" for the rest of eternity than abandon them!
If you don't get along with your spouse then get counseling, get over it, or get divorced. But your kids are yours for life.
My daughter used to give me cards for Father's Day as well. It really is heartbreaking.
I am a single mom and my mom was a single mom and I love her for all that she has done for me. I too give her fathers day cards even now when my dad and I actually talk. I understand your article and know that it is very important for the dad to remain a figure in a childs life but with that said I also know my fair share of women who have walked out and left the kids with their father. These women carried these children inside them for 9 months and were still able to walk away! So in response to your blog I would like to say that to whichever parent abandons their child shame shame your child did not choose to come into this world nor who their parents would be so like paula said step-up and be a parent. NO excuses you both chose to have a child so you both need to have part in raising that child!! We are the only ones that can control our actions so set the blame aside and think of the children!
Sunny and Whisper: Thanks so much for your comments. It is unfortunate that our children need to refer to us as 'Dad' and it is unfortunate whichever parent abandons the child. But like you said Whisper, stand up and take the responsibility, they didnt ask to be here therefore they should not be punished as if they did.
Cory - there is no reason for a dad to not be there, period! With all the laws now geared toward co-parenting, if you want to see your children, you can. I, quite frankly, don't care what the woman might say about you, and neither should the man. They should just want to support their children and be there for them.
What gets me, in some cases, is the fact that they walk out all the while claiming they are a single dad. They through a "poor me attitude" around to everyone who will listen whenever they are the ones who were miserable to be around. Si their absence is better for the kids in one aspect, but they leave their kids feeling abandoned and rejected while they spend all their time living the single life. There is no excuse for this behavior other than complete self centered, abuse!
tp- so true. Some "dads"- and I use the term lightly- play the pity card,when in reality they use the card to dismiss themselves from the children and ultimately blame the fact they are single as the excuse to be an absent dad. Pathetic really.
I agree that the single father should never neglect their kids. If the single dad is not happy with the marriage, for whatever reason, then get a divorce but never disregard your kids. Always be there for them, for them to not feel abandoned and it is good to tell them the reason for your leaving. I mean for them to understand you but just leaving the kids alone are not good. You just have to take responsibility, if you're not happy with the mom get a divorce but be there for your kids.
I've never been able to understand a guy who can just walk away from his children. I say guy because, if he does that, IMO, he's not a man.
I've found most men that walk away do so because they don't want to pay their ex-wife or baby momma child support. I paid mine gladly. Not because it was presented as penalty nor a fee to spend time with my children but because it was my responsibility. My children were my responsibility but, first and foremost, I wanted to spend time with them. They're grown now and I just married a lady who has a 3 YO son. Her son's "sperm donor", as she calls him, hasn't been in the picture since he was four months old, choosing to desert them while she was away at work one day. He chose to slink away and leave his son behind. How does someone do that?!?
I met the little guy when he was eight months old and knew he and his mom were a package deal. He now calls me daddy and I'll be adopting him soon.
I'm not writing this to say I'm anything special. I'm not. I'm just a guy that was TAUGHT what responsibility is and not to run away from it. We unfortunately have a whole generation of young men that haven't been taught to accept responsibility for their own actions. Nothing is going to change until that's taught by parents to their children, most importantly a father teaching his son to take responsibility for his actions. To step up. To be the head of the household spiritually, financially, and emotionally.
Do that, gentlemen, and you won't just be a man. You'll be be something a lot more important and special. You'll be a DADDY.
Great hub, Paula, from a new follower.
LongHunter- you are wrong- you ARE special as you know how and will teach the next generation of dads....good to know there is men like you to fill the void and step-in when "sperm donors" decide it isnt. Thanks sooo much for your comment!
i can relate, but from the other side of the pond. I was a motherless child. I didn't meet my real mother until I was 19yrs old. My father remarried when I was two and had a step-mother, but she wasn't 'my' mother. Now i find myself a father of three, struggling just to eat, but my support is paid, my children have a roof, food, clothes video games and so on, but yet their mother tries most anything she can to make me look like a dead beat homeless man who couldn't care less. I am homeless but still see my kids, unfortunately only when their mom says it's ok, she has failed to show up in court, I have had police try to enforce the court orders but because I lost my job about four months ago, after many other obstacles, the system sides with the mom despite her drinking she has stopped treatment for and her bi-polar disorder. When a couple have children it isn't always the dad, who makes the decision to leave it all behind. I love my children more than I love life its self, I have made every sacrifice but yet I am still the bad guy, in the eyes of everyone. My children see it differently, and that in the end is all that matters. God bless the children! I could go on forever on this one.
Great article. just got done writing one myself about single motherhood. I'm here with you lady. 2 small children and no father, actually got an email last night that he wanted to sign all rights over and doesnt even want to meet his newborn baby! how sweet. I really wonder what the world is coming to. Men have changed over the decades, why cant they be like our grandfathers who stod by their flesh and blood no matter what. i'm so dumb founded.
Oh my goodness Jessi I am so sorry to read this...stay strong and be the great mother I know you will be!
Good article. I am new to writing and I think I could learn a bit from your writing style. I am going through the beginnings of my kids' mother walking out on them. i try to be the best father and mother I can. My girlfriend jokes and calls me mother of the year for all I do for the kids.
Well written hub. I am there right along with you on being the best 'Daddy' I can be for my kid, I go to every Daddy Day celebration his school hosts. I run the sports gigs with him, I spend time with him, quality time. I dream of having a man around, but I am not in the space for that right now. I have had my son since he was two weeks old and he will be a solid citizen and a contributing one also with God's grace. Stay strong and find fulfillment in being the one who stayed! God Bless you and your girls!
I am currently the single mother of a 2 month old baby girl. Her father left after she was 2 weeks old and hasn't done a thing since then. I don't understand it but all I can do is care for my daughter. I lover her so much
Reading this article, I feel a great respect for all single parents. I am a mother of 2 year old girl and I take care of her with my husband. We still find that parenting is lot of hard work, I can't imagine the amount of work required by single parents.
i can really relate to this article because i am too a single mother of my two years old daughter and even though its just me she have right now, still I am trying my very best to make her feel that she has everything and love that she'll ever need.
I can tell you how people leave their children. It's simple they're either sick and elect to remove themselves for the health of the family (i.e. addicts) or they are true sociopaths. More research and awareness should be done on sociopaths. Sociopaths have no emotions, they are dying slowly of an extreme boredom we will never feel because of it. They only want power and sex and they only have children to use as pawns over partners or to manipulate and toy with due to their boredom. My baby is only 9 months and we have recently been abandoned. I don't know how I'll explain it to her when she is older but I know I will explain that her daddy was sick (sociopath) and if he has stayed he would have made they family sick too (abuse). Great article. I love you. More importantly God loves you and God bless you and your girls!
Great, but sad hub. Life isn't fair. I like what you said about using a male role model "not your boyfriend". It seems like you are doing a great job. I personally would be happier alone than with someone who doesn't love me. Thanks for sharing and please take care of yourself as well!
You are doing a fine job as a mother. Congratulations! If you decide to marry again one day, you will have to choose differently. Many men are predisposed toward "leaving" because they never learned the role of the masculine, which is to seek, provide, and protect. These types of men can be detected during the dating process, but it takes self discipline to truly recognize who is standing in front of you. Best wishes to you and thank you for a fine article.
My ex-boyfriend also decided he doesn't want anything to do with our 2mnth old beautiful daughter. We had a rough relationship and I kept trying to keep us together because I genuinely cared about him and also for the sake of our child. But after a big argument, he decided he'd rather leave me to take care of her. I'm done blaming myself for him walking away, if he cares about her, he will be there for her. I just don't know when or how to explain the situation to my daughter later in life. Good on you daddies and mummies who are playing a double role. I hope I will be able to do the same :)
To Cory I see where you are coming from. But Really you would have to be a pretty immature parent to allow the ill feelings between you and a spouse come between your kids..In my case I will own up to my mistakes and say that with my daughter's father I allowed our relationship to go on way beyond what it should have. My door has always been opened to him and for him to come see his daughter. At the end of the day it comes down to choice. He chooses to not come around and I can no longer blame myself for why he doesn't show!! Being a single parent has made me stronger!! and For My Baby Girl I am Truly Blessed!! God is Love!!
trimar7 Level 3 Commenter 20 months ago
I was a single parent for a long time. I made the choice to realize what a gift my children were and how blessed I was to have them with me. It is so true. I will always have a closeness with my children that my ex-husband cheated himself of. True, I had the hardships but, more importantly, I had the blessings. I can recall my daughter coming to me crying one day about all of the changes in our lives. I told her that it is true that I would not have elected for things to happen in the manner that they did. However, I told her that we are who we are because we had to have strength to move forward and become who we are and I wouldn't change who I was. My lovely daughter gave me a hug, went away for an hour or so, returned to my arms and told me she thought about it and she would not want to be anyone but who she was as well. Now how could that not be a gift?